


I’m both happy & sad & still trying to figure out how that could be

by emsxay



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-29
Updated: 2016-09-29
Packaged: 2018-08-18 11:38:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8160869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emsxay/pseuds/emsxay
Summary: They weren’t scared about tomorrow, they weren’t anything really.They were together, side by side in the moment, and that was enough. (westallen au oneshot) (woohoo)





	

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from my favorite book in life, The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Don't sue me.

“Sean wants to take me to the end of year dance.”

Iris said the words in a hushed whisper as she searched Barry’s face, unsure of what she was actually looking for. They were laying on their sides a top Barry’s bed. Their faces angled barely a foot apart, breathe mingling. Barry’s gaze remained downcast until it wasn’t.

“What did you say?”

“I said no, obviously… I’m going with you.”

Iris noted the way his breathe exhaled loudly as if he had been holding it in for decades. Barry watched as she moved some hair behind her ear.

“Apparently he’s had the hots for me for some time now.” She smiled, amused. But something was off in her eyes. Barry felt that familiar twinge in his chest, the twinge he knew all too well. Just looking at her hurt so bad somedays while other days it made him feel like the luckiest guy on earth. Lucky because, all the boys that pined over her through grade school and all the boys that would continue to pine over her (he was sure many more would emerge come college in the fall) would never experience a bond like the one they shared. He was definitely the luckiest guy alive with that gift.

“Do… do you like him Iris?”

The words escaped him before he could process the can of worms he just opened. Iris shifted uncomfortably then and reached out to slick down his eyebrows. A weird thing to do in that moment he thought, but how could he lie and say he minded it when he didn’t. Seemingly oblivious to her, Barry craved every day for Iris’s touch.

“I mean yea, what’s not to like? He’s sweet and funny and have you seen those muscles? He even got a full scholarship to Princeton. How insane is that? He’s going to be playing Rugby there...” She trailed off when she noticed Barry had rolled onto is back and was staring at the ceiling. She was swooning. They both knew it. And she felt oddly embarrassed.

“You’re swooning.” His words were flat. “You should go with him... you know if it’ll make you happy.”

He turned his head to the right and smiled a smile that didn’t reach is eyes. But it didn’t matter because whenever he smiled it had that weird effect on her every time. The effect she still hadn’t been able to place since the day they met.

“Besides he’s a nice guy, you don’t find too many like him in high school.” He laughed gently and placed an arm under his head.

“You’re a nice guy too Bare…” Iris could feel her heart beating in her throat.

“Yea… well…”

Silence.

“Who would you go with then…if I go with Sean?”

“ _When_ you go with Sean…” He smiled again, so genuine, no malice. “Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. I’m always fine, remember?” He winked then and lingered on her face for a minute before returning his gaze to the glow- in- the- dark stars he had on his ceiling.

“Sure of course, I remember.” Barry kept staring at the plastic stars. Iris kept staring at him, feeling things she wasn’t yet ready for, and all the while keeping quiet about it.

 

 

~~~

 

 

“Why didn’t you talk me out of this Bare.”

Iris had her arm weakly slung over Barry’s right shoulder and he had his left arm firmly wrapped around her waist. They were heading towards Barry’s car, the new one he bought with his savings and the one he surprised Iris with when he showed up in Joe’s driveway several hours prior for her birthday. He drove five hours straight to be with her.

 

.

 

“You weren’t supposed to be coming back home till the end of the month,” she said as she jumped into his arms nearly knocking him backwards. And holding onto him so tight it made it hard for him to breathe.

“Iris, it’s your big birth year, of course I’d be here.”

There goes that smile again. He flashed it like a pro and all she wanted was to melt into him, so she went in for another hug and this time Barry was the one making it hard for her to breathe.

 

.

 

“You’ve literally been talking about hitting all the bars in town as soon as you turned 21, since my birthday months ago. I really don’t think the president could’ve talked you out of this.” He was shaking his head fondly.

“You’re right… I hate that you’re right. But today I’ve been a bad girlllll.”

She was giggling hysterically. Iris adjusted herself against Barry more firmly and felt the pounding of her head but figured it was normal and from the loud bar music. She was thinking about all the shots they had taken and how un-phased Barry was by all of it.

“You hold… you’re liquor… well…”

“One of us has to be the responsible one here,” Barry laughed and Iris felt his grip around her tighten. “We’re almost too where I parked.”

She was looking up into his face now, noticing his features in ways she hadn’t before. She realized then just how much she liked being this close to him. And she liked the way his arm felt around her. He had grown into himself even more since the last time she saw him. His torso was more toned and his arms were stronger and he had this glow about him. The two didn’t speak again until they reached the car and Barry began to let go of Iris’s waist to open the door.

“No… don’t, don’t let go of me Barry.” She was pleading with him in the cutest way possible.

He sighed gently and combed a hand through his hair. “It’s late, it’s time to shower and sleep.” He was still keeping Iris steady with his arm and was trying to coerce her into the car at the same time to no avail.

“I don’t want you to let go of me… _I love you_ … and I want you to stay here with me.”

“Iris,” his breathing was shaky. _She’s just saying things she doesn’t mean,_ he told himself. “You’re totally smashed right now… it’s time to go home.”

“I love you Barry… I’m _in love_ with you.”

 

Dammit…

 

“Please stop saying that.”

Iris had managed to untangle herself from Barry’s embrace and was now positioned with her back against the car as if to say “I’m not going anywhere”. Barry knew he could’ve lifted her over his shoulder and forced her in the car if he wanted to but, he didn’t. She was staring at him intently and Barry was nervous… rubbing over his shoulder and inhaling sharply.

“You’re not going to remember any of this tomorrow.”

He tried for a smile but it fell weak and he felt his chest ache. Looking at her was hurting him again. 

"When someone... tells you they love you..." Iris stumbled. "...You’re supposed... to say it back... you know.”

She was wrecked. But god he still loved her; with every part of him he loved her. He couldn’t stop loving her and at this point he didn’t want to stop. It didn’t matter that they were miles apart during the school year. And he pushed aside the moments and the people that had come between them in the past. He told himself that none of it had to matter right now. And even though Barry knew Iris would probably forget the life changing parts of their adventure that night, he closed the small gap between them and he kissed her anyways. He kissed her hard and heated. And Iris reciprocated back with just as much longing Barry had and more. They were all alone, engulfed in the darkness of the night. Surrounded by the streetlights and the insects only; Barry felt Iris’s hands make their way up his shirt. He pressed up on her then, more firmly and kissed her neck. She let out a low moan and Barry, brought back to his senses, opened his eyes. He didn't want to stop but they needed to get home. Their bodies were only inches away from the passenger door handle. So as Barry moved his lips from her neck, to her lips once more, he used all his strength to open the door with his right hand and lifted her up with his left. He placed her into the passenger’s side almost effortlessly and this time she didn’t fight it. Barry's breathing remained heavy the entire drive back.

It was 3 a.m. when Barry pulled into the driveway. Joe was on patrol because the house was still empty. Iris was long asleep and Barry carried her from the car to her bed where she laid until the sun came up. Barry stayed beside her careful not to make a sound. He stayed for a long while. He just watched her sleep.

“I love you too.” He stroked her face and ignored the feeling in his chest.

 

 

 

~~~

 

 

“We’re getting married!”

Patty practically yelled it out loud enough for the whole store to hear and then flashed her ring in front of Iris’s face affectionately. Iris found herself at a loss of words. Although she wasn’t all that surprised, they had been dating for almost three years, it was just odd because when she had initially walked into their favorite coffee shop expecting to see only Barry, he was there with Patty too. It was also odd because Barry was talking marriage and he looked happy. But the talk wasn’t about a _Westallen_ marriage (oh it had such a ring to it) and he wasn’t happy right then because of her. It’s not that she expected anything more of course… but he’s her best friend, what’s not to love.

She tried her hardest to ignore the sinking feeling in her tummy when she saw the way Patty was draped all over him and how the only time she wasn’t touching him was when she went to go to the bathroom. Iris wanted to vomit up her insides, even though the smile she had glued to her face said otherwise.

“Patty and I, we want you to be our best-man… only if you want to. And you’re a girl, clearly, but uh we were thinking about getting hitched in four weeks...”

“We know it’s fast but we don’t want to wait any longer! I’m almost thirty Iris, and her mom wants grand-kids.”

Iris watched as Patty leaned her head back in a hardy laugh and she tried to be happy. She saw the way Barry’s eyes twinkled with something she couldn’t place. She _wanted_ to be the one kissing Barry tenderly, instead she watched as Patty did. She watched as he closed his eyes and watched the way Patty’s hand rested lightly on his face. She should’ve looked away but she couldn’t.

“Okay… I can… do that.” Iris nodded with a smile and noticed how hoarse her voice sounded. She hoped Barry wasn’t seeing right through her, even though she knew he was. She tried her best to sit up straighter when Patty let out her thank you’s.

Patty left for work shortly after, she hugged Iris goodbye and when Barry walked Patty to the door Iris slipped out the back. She wanted to pretend to be okay but deep down she already knew Barry had seen through her smiles from the start.

 

 

 

~~~

 

They didn’t speak for a week. Not really on purpose, it was just how it happened. Iris wasn’t mad. Iris had talked to everyone possible about Barry and his wedding. She expected the pity but was relieved honestly when she received just the opposite. Most people didn't believe her. Cisco had laughed about it.

"Married...?! Allen...? To someone who isn't you? Oh please? Wait are you really serious?" 

When she walked into to Star Labs that day, she wasn't really needed. Apparently Barry was on his way back from a minor mission and everything had gone smoothly. She felt settled inside knowing he was okay. She smiled to herself and chatted with Caitlin some before exiting the control room to roam the laboratory halls.

Barry found her a bit later seated on top of the roof. Knees were bent into her chest and she was looking out at the city. She looked up, then smiled hard when she saw he was still in his suit; his hair all windswept and seductive.

“You know I’ve always loved that suit on you. Even before I knew it was you.”

 

Silence.

 

She didn’t watch as he sat down next to her. But he took the same position she held and exhaled sharply. Iris tightened the grip around her legs.

“How do we always find ourselves on-top of roofs?” Iris laughed a little but didn’t break her gaze over the city. “I know you’re marrying Patty on this earth but if you ever time travel again and end up somewhere else and we’re together, propose to me on a rooftop under the stars okay. I feel like all the versions of us like rooftops with views.”

“Iris…”

 

Silence.

 

“I love you Barry... I’m so in love with you it hurts. I know I have no right telling you all this three weeks before your wedding. But I know now how you felt all those Christmases ago… it sucks so badly. I can still be your best-man at the wedding. I’m not backing out… I just I needed to tell you. If you’re happy with Patty stay with her … okay? Don’t throw it away because of me and my feelings. I should’ve told you a long time ago.” Iris smiled then and meant it. Neither one of them moved nor spoke they just listened to each other breathe.

“You know you were the one told me you loved me first. I know you don’t remember but you did. You were so wasted but I based so much of us on that night Iris.” Barry laughed now at the memory. It was so long ago and they had both grown up so much since then. Barry turned his head to look Iris in the eye for the first time since they had been on the roof. She would always be so beautiful.

“My 21st birthday? Barry… you told me for years nothing happened! Oh hell...” Iris pushed some hair behind her ears. She sighed into her folded arms. “Why did you lie?”

“Because… I felt like I couldn’t compete. I mean how could I. Didn’t you go on a date with some bloke the next day? God it felt so shitty to see all those guys want you through the years Iris. You don’t even know how many pep talks I gave to other dudes so they could ask you out.” Barry rubbed his faced and sighed. “I couldn’t do it myself so I figured might as well help someone else do it. It’ll make her happy.”

Iris kept her eyes on Barry even after he was done speaking. Coming to terms with just how much they continued to hurt one another while simultaneously making one other so happy was a weird concept she'd definitely never grasp. All she knew is that she loved him more in those minutes of observing him then she did just moments ago.

“Well if it makes you feel any better, seeing you all this time with Patty has made me feel pretty shitty too.”

Barry was momentarily caught off guard but then roars of laughter erupted between them. It filled the roof of Star Labs and maybe even the entire city. In that time of joy all the years fell away. All what was left was the here and the now and their aching bellies for the right reasons.

“I still love you Iris, I’m always going to.” Barry spoke in a matter of fact tone and sighed defeated. Iris angled herself so she could look straight at him and moved closer to him than necessary.

“Don’t… don’t marry her.”

She offered up a smile and after a minute Barry smiled back.

Iris reached out for his hand and he grabbed hers. They weren’t scared about tomorrow, they weren’t anything really.

They were together, side by side in the moment, and that was enough.


End file.
